On Gratitude

I have been thinking. A lot lately.

I have been restless and unable to put pen to paper. For weeks now, enduring this inexplicable burden I feel, I have tried to write to release me from my thoughts. Yet I can’t seem to construct a sentence I didn’t want to throw out the window. It all seems off. I kept waking up in the middle of the night with incoherent thoughts running wild and in all places.

With rain that seems to always find its way to Krabi more often than not these days, I contemplate even more. It gives me this calmness that allows me to gather my thoughts. I love rain. I am thankful for it. With it, I feel God’s embrace; I sense the familiar surge of gratitude rise up in my soul reminded of His unending grace. But something appears conflicting even as I whisper a prayer of thanks for it.

Mulling over what’s happening and reflecting umpteen occasions over the past weeks of God showing me specific truths about my life, He gently unveils that I have been ungrateful.

I resisted this revelation at first thought. What, me? Ungrateful? How can that be?

Yet as I carefully examine my heart, I notice the rotten tree of ungratefulness taking root in it. Even as I whisper and slap a thank you prayer for everything that He has given me, I realize that I am not as grateful as I thought I am.

I have lived the opposite.

I have taken for granted numerous instances of God’s profound goodness in my life. I have not taken notice many instances of Him showing His love for me. I have missed so many of them because of my self-absorption and ungratefulness.

I have not been intentional in living a life of gratitude for my God. In fact, I have sloppily uttered prayers of thanksgiving without truly thinking of what He has done for me every second of my life.

As this truth begins to register in my soul, I breathe a prayer of forgiveness. I asked for my eyes and my heart to perceive His hand working and to be attentive to His acts. I asked to be more deliberate in my prayers of thanksgiving. I asked to be more aware not only of the big moves He makes but even the tiniest of details that sometimes slip out unnoticeable to many yet not to Him.

I asked to truly live a life of gratitude not only when life appears to be flourishing but even when it isn’t. I asked to be able to say a prayer of heartfelt thanksgiving in all circumstances, whether in comfort or in pain.

For in my limited field of vision of the bigger picture, I trust that God knows what He is doing. I trust that He only desires what is best for me.

And that is reason enough to live a life of gratitude.

October 29, 2013
Krabi, Thailand
9:59 p.m.

© 2013 Kezia Lewis. All Rights Reserved.