My sister and I planned to buy her a diamond ring for her 50th birthday.
We were overwrought with hospital bills, doctors, and expensive vials. We forgot about the diamond.
I keep a small notebook with me everywhere I go. I write down ideas that come into my mind before they slip away, ideas to write or share. After my last blog post a few days ago, I started scanning my notebook to refresh myself with what I have written. Then, my mind started drifting to other more practical things to think of, to upcoming events, to appointments set for this month. This month. Wait, it’s April.
April. It’s my mama’s birthday month.
I remembered the diamond.
I grew up in an unconventional family. Even now, I still don’t have a good grasp of how different it is. But I grew up with a strong, loving mother who kept me and my siblings provided for and under one roof no matter what. She was our biggest fan, and our closest friend. She was what kept us going. She was what held us together.
We held on to her tightly.
God wanted us to learn to stand without her, to cling unto Him.
I was a fairly new Christian, a babe in the faith, when mama got sick. I had a lot of questions. I was confused. I did not expect her body to fade away so quickly. I was stunned to be in the midst of such a crisis.
That season in my life was like a scene from a TV drama slowly unraveling before my eyes. I was experiencing the different facets of pain unfold within me and around me. I felt lost.
But I felt something else. I felt God.
A song I heard at church during an early service kept playing in my head, in my soul.
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don’t understand
When don’t see His plan
When you can’t trace His hand
Trust His Heart
Yes, God is too wise to be mistaken; too good to be unkind. I did not understand. I was not seeing His plan, and I could not trace His hand as I went to and fro doctors to keep her alive. But I felt His heart. I trusted Him.
Her death led me to seeking more of Him. Her death steered me to the path I eventually took — the path that led me to America and back to Asia, the path that weakened my pride and strengthened my relationship with God, and the path that showed me how absolutely beautiful He is.
Diamond is my mama’s birthstone. We wanted to surprise her with a diamond ring. We wanted to make her feel like the queen that she was in our hearts. Though we will never be able to give our mama a diamond ring, we know that she felt in her heart she was our diamond.
I miss her. I have wished countless times to share with her my life now. But I know, for God’s purposes, it was her time to leave this life as one day it would be mine.
I am writing this with raw honesty of the pain and beauty of losing a mother that you may see how blessed you are to have her by your side today. Love her well while you can. Embrace her as often as you can.
Celebrate her by living a life of love and honor in our God.
April 11, 2013
© 2013 Kezia Lewis. All Rights Reserved.